Back to school. Are there any words so bittersweet? While I lament the passing of time, especially the passing of this beautiful summer, I do know that autumn holds a magic of its own. My boys are excited. New school, new friends, new teachers, new activities, new pencils; and these things excite me, too. Show me someone who doesn’t enjoy a new, freshly sharpened pencil and I will show you a liar.
I know I should welcome the routine. But I don’t. Because suddenly my life revolves around going to work and making meals. Throw in new instruments to insist that they practice (violin and viola, Lord help me), more homework, cub scouts, baseball and what is sure to be a later bedtime and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.
When I started writing this post a few days ago, my intention was to celebrate the new beginnings we have ahead of us. After all, this is a big year. The last for my “little boys” in the single digits before they become prepubescent Tweens. I need to enjoy their innocence while I can. I am turning the big 4-0 (what the what?! how did that happen?). We have all grown up a lot these past few years and by all accounts the best is yet to come. What is not to be excited about? And yet…
The thing is, I have never been all that comfortable with change. I realize that’s a little weird for someone who has uprooted her life several times to start over or try something new. But it’s true. A couple of years ago I ended a special relationship because I was craving security. Security I thought that could only be found by “settling down”. And I was so fearful of what might happen down the road, I figured I should end it before both the boys and I became even more attached and so that the rejection I was projecting in the future wouldn’t hurt so badly. Crazy? A little. Control-freakish? Perhaps. Did it work? Of course not. We were just as devastated by the loss while I was controlling it, as we would have been if I had just let it come naturally. And who knows, maybe it wouldn’t have. The point is that unexpected changes tend to throw me for a little bit of a loop. However, life with twin boys has been filled with unexpected changes since the moment I heard the words “So, do twins run in your family?” from the OB-GYN. I’ve become way more flexible and open to change, but I’m beginning to think this is a lifelong practice.
And here we are, standing at the foot of another path. I can’t see too far ahead. I don’t know what’s down there, I just know we need to go. The boys are ready. They are already running ahead. I need to follow. With no expectations. Only hope and an open heart for come what may. My new school year’s resolution is to roll with the punches a little more easily. To go out on those first AND second dates and see what happens. To write about our little adventures more often and to get back to writing the poetry and prose that feed the deeper parts of me. To spend as much time cuddling and reading and playing with the boys as they will let me because these days are going to fade away and I will look back on this time and wonder what I was so worried about and wish that I hadn’t wasted a precious moment.
The next leg of our adventure is beginning.